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rubina_turteltaub_vanmiez
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| i am back......... |
[13 Oct 2003|01:28pm] |
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mood |
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 peaceful |
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music |
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would you lay with me....johnny cash... |
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that´s how i met tyler durden....
.............................it all took place a couple of weeks ago and it is still on my mind as it happened yesterday... i felt like in a movie... i felt like the sick minded marla singer who met the even more sick minded tyler durden.. not at a self-regulating-community but at a place where the absence of cleverness brings you down...and a couple of people attended for sure such a community...
drunken insomnia and mixed up craziness...and a couple of white russians, johnny cash and being stoned... the couple was perfect... what a happy couple we were.... hit me as hard as you can.. i still hear him saying giving my this pervert grin... jesus how much i loved this scene..
in the beginning i thought he is one of these boring nice looking people...getting laid all the time.. but very soon he changed my mind. He was one of these clever and smart people i adore so much.. he is profound, open for all sort of shit to experience. my type of bloke. and to be honest i sort of like tyler durden... he impressed my by knowing what an adjective is... very sad honestly but not too bad for an english speaking...for a yank.. besides he is highly educated which impressed me even more.. but by knowing about sentence structure he definitely had me...
he is going to see me this week, but actually i am not too sure if this is a good idea as i fear this will destroy my attitude about him... make me see that he has mistakes as the rest of my past time lovers.... or it´s like getting sick of my pastime affairs.... we will see.. maybe more craziness to follow... there are some things in life which should not be repeated, which should be taken as they are.. as a nice memory....and you know how boring recurrences are... it´s like listening to a song an entire rainy afternoon until you bloody hate exactly this once beloved tune.. confusion... but actually there are a couple of songs you never get bored of listening to...
that´s how i met tyler durden.....
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[16 Sep 2003|02:37pm] |
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mood |
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 restless |
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music |
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foo fighters- tired of you |
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There are many things on my mind. Actually I should pack my gear to leave towards munich. Don´t really bother about it too much as i cannot believe another year has passed that quickly. At least the thought of plenty of money keeps me forward a little. I just remember a blurry vision of all these drunken people i hated so much last year. Of course it is something for the ego if many men try to please you- but sometimes i am asking myself how many shallow things like that do i need. And i guess none.... A couple of crazy stories to piss off our friends. I try not to think too much....
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| a friend has gone... |
[08 Sep 2003|09:12pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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music |
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beck- lost cause |
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Things are changing.... a broken dream and a good friend who has gone away to make a new life abroad. i am still here in my used environment... angelimp, i hope she is fine and makes her way. Deep inside i feel i am going away myself- i need a break and there is no one to hold me back. I hope we keep our promise of not giving up contact... and my friend i want to let you know we are not far, and spuky the wonder car is getting excited to have a trip to romania... all the things he will see on the journey... i am wearing your bracelet thinking of you. well we have known eachother for a while... many people came and left but we are still friends.... i am proud of and thankful for... send u millions of kisses...... rubina
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| a little sad again... but ok..... |
[08 Sep 2003|09:01pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken
I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
do you wanna go higher
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken
I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye
There's nothing left to try
There's no more places to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
There's nothing left to lose
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
madonna- the power of good bye
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| sunshine again.... |
[08 Sep 2003|02:02pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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music |
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dido- white flag/ placebo- this picture |
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Actually i am feeling better. Old feelings are still confusing me. But every day is a good day to forget a little more about you. And one day you are just a black shadow of my past. I had a fantastic weekend. Hammered, this pair of blue eyes looked at me and without talking all this picking up bullshit i entered a wonderful weekend which should last for 3 days. Wow, I have forgotten how it feels when you make a man that hot that he cannot take his fingers of you. This was not a cheap weekend, not a yeah fuck me - do not leave your number as i know i am never going to call you... no it was different. Sex was not a matter- it was a cuddling weekend i have been longing for a long time. Someone that holds you and is 100% with you in that moment. How much i missed that... i was asked what an idiot my ex- boyfriend was- well i could not think of any answers... well, he is not an idiot just a kid in an old man´s body and feeling to much self pity for himself.....too confused of shallow emotions for anyone.... well not my business anymore... i thank him that he let me go. too many destructive feelings with him....feeling alive again... and beautiful... i have never felt as ugly as the time i spent with him.....no more dramas... no more tears.......
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[05 Sep 2003|04:12pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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Bilbo's farewell song to Frodo:
"I sit beside the fire and think
of all that I have seen,
of meadow-flowers and butterflies
in summers that have been;
Of yellow leaves and gossamer
in autumns that there were,
with morning mist and silver sun
and wind upon my hair.
I sit beside the fire and think
of how the world will be
when winter comes without a spring
that I shall ever see.
For still there are so many things
that I have never seen:
in every wood in every spring
there is a different green.
I sit beside the fire and think
of people long ago,
and people who will see a world
that I shall never know.
But all the while I sit and think
of times there were before,
I listen for returning feet
and voices at the door.
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[05 Sep 2003|12:37pm] |
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Loneliness take a seat and make yourself comfortable. Join me listening to mellow songs and thinking of better days. Kiss me goodnight and cuddle me. How did you find me loneliness among all these people? Did you taste my desperation -my hopelessness- my fear? I have never invited you my friend but nevertheless you are here? Can i pack your gear and wish you out of my life? Go on holidays, do not write me postcards, disappear.....
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[05 Sep 2003|11:05am] |
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Why men are fibbers?? Is this a mechanism to prevent hurting themselves? Well, i guess so. But when do they start lying or do they carry the heritage of fibbing since the moment they were born? to fake strength, omnipotence? "i´ll disappoint you if i stop lying" is Robbie sighing and unfortunately it´s true. I am biased to strong men which is a result of fibbing mostly. This does not mean that i want to blame myself for having the wrong taste in men. well, maybe i do. if i think carefully about it, well a too nice man is not interesting for me. This male version of a man involves its issues, which i first love so much but soon detest and which will be hurting me. but how to find shelter? how to expose a liar? How to stop thinking to settle down a dreamer,a traveller for myself as a project which loses its interest if the man is broken.How to stop thinking to give an indecisive man any answers to explain him his duties? Do women find pleasure in changing men who do not want to be changed?? Is it a delightful thought to believe they have just done it for us?? could this be seen as a total love proof or is this just damned to fail? plenty of unsolved questions on my mind. maybe i want to be lied to as i cannot handle the truth without doubting my self- esteem. With the haunting question: Why not me? What´s wrong with me?? Or maybe i lie myself as well. lie against lie to fake harmony and happiness..............
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[05 Sep 2003|01:17am] |
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too fat, too skinny. too tall, too small. too dark, too light. too western, too eastern. too polarised, too binomial. Zero and 1..... an endless list of dualism. where am i in all this chaos?? am i pretty enough, clever enough, sexy enough..... useless waste that bends my head. am i ok?? am i good enough?? do i read the right magazines? do i watch the right movies? do i know the right people??? am i flash enough? what if i am grey and black and white are squeezing me..damned to average finding sanctuary scared of good and bad.
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[05 Sep 2003|12:07am] |
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dear diary.... i can´t think of a name for you. referring to travis i ask "dear diary what is wrong with me?"... but i guess i do not get any answers. today i had the autumn smell popped into my nose. and tears were falling from my cheeks like leaves from the trees. it´s getting colder and so am i. my heart is torn and smothers my drive. weeks are passing since i have last seen you.... all for the best i hear the angel on my shoulder. the devil still remains the love i felt for you. pathetic, yeah that is what i am. a joke drowning in self-pity for another loss. did i lose you, or did u lose me- who cares- you are gone. i wish there were a reset or any amends. or an alarm clock that saves me from this bad dream. it´s getting better i hear people saying. you deserve better. i lost my faith. idealising you i bounded hard blind of you doing me harm. dazzling me with sweet rubbish i bought. anger and frustration bend my head wishing to turn back time. love songs jerk out the shards you left cursing you to hell.
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